If I find in myself desires nothing in this world can satisfy,
I can only conclude that I was not made for here
If the flesh that I fight is at best only light and momentary,
then of course I’ll feel nude when to where I’m destined I’m compared

Speak to me in the light of the dawn
Mercy comes with the morning
I will sigh and with all creation groan as I wait for hope to come for me

Am I lost or just found? On the straight or on the roundabout of the wrong way?
Is this a soul that stirs in me, is it breaking free, wanting to come alive?
‘Cause my comfort would prefer for me to be numb
And avoid the impending birth of who I was born to become

For we, we are not long here
Our time is but a breath, so we better breathe it
And I, I was made to live, I was made to love, I was made to know You
Hope is coming for me
Hope, He’s coming

Hat tip to Alive and Young.

I’m currently using my time getting ready to move into my new on-campus room. It’s my first time doing this, so we’ll see what happens when you put a 3rd-year-senior in a room with two sophomores in a freshman all-girls hall.

This past Saturday, I went with my boyfriend and his family on their traditional pilgrimage to the Basilica of Our Lady of San Juan Del Valle National Shrine in San Juan, Texas. I woke up at 6:30 AM, met Josh at our school at 8, drove to his brother’s house, and left at 9 with his brother and parents. We arrived at the shrine at 1 PM.

This shrine is special to the family because Josh’s dad grew up in the area,  “the valley” (what we Texans call the Guadalupe River Valley). Ever since Josh was a little kid, his family has made a pilgrimage to the shrine to pray for help and to give thanksgiving. This trip was mostly a thanksgiving trip, since Josh just got a wonderful, stable job since graduating with his bachelor’s, and is being reimbursed for grad school. His dad recently became a working man again, as well.

I was really thankful for the pilgrimage, because it was a chance to share a special time with Josh and his family. The shrine was beautiful, and included a wonderful “Miracle Room” where thankful pilgrims place their photos, baby shoes, graduation gowns, flowers — anything to symbolize the milagros for which they’re thankful. Josh’s mom pinned the program for his graduation ceremony to a bulletin board in the room.

Many things during our trip really struck me. In the Miracle Room, for instance, was a life-sized representation of a dead Christ lying on a mat. It was extremely moving for me — disturbing and beautiful — and reminded me that the Passion and Resurrection of the innocent and loving God-man, our brother and Lord, is what our faith is centered around. (It’s so easy for us to get caught up in everything else.) The statue made me even more thankful that Josh bought a crucifix for my new room at the shrine, so that I won’t forget that.

I was also moved by the faith of the pilgrims at the shrine. Some of them came without much but their prayers, and left objects of huge importance to them in the Miracle Room. I can tell that many of San Juan’s pilgrims are people of simple faith, and it made me double-check whatever spiritual ego I had left in me.

Before we left, we performed a ritual that reminded me of the pilgrims of Lourdes: washing our faces and hands in holy water from the shrine. At 3 o’clock, Josh and I prayed the Chaplet of Divine Mercy with other pilgrims, led by a deacon. The Chaplet was prayed in Spanish, since in the valley, English is almost a second language. The deacon then blessed our religious articles, and we headed back to the car.

We ended up driving farther south to a town called Santa Maria, where Josh’s dad is from. Many of his relatives are buried there in a small cemetery off the highway in the middle of some sugar cane fields. We off-roaded to get there, and brought some flowers to the grave of Josh’s uncle, who passed a few years ago.

While we were in the cemetery, Josh noticed that many, if not most, of the graves had been affected by the tropical storm that recently hit southern Texas (the aftermath of the hurricane). We began straightening flower pots, taking brush off of graves, and even lifting a few fallen headstones. It was a time for me to see how compassionate Josh is, and how respectful he is of others, even the dead. As we moved through the weeds, I felt like this was really a spiritual work of mercy — honoring the dead and their families.

That night, I presented to Josh the birthday cake that had taken the previous day to make: a white double-layered cake with strawberry filling and buttercream icing (his favorite) decorated like a Wii remote. He loved it!

Here are some nice little videos of people visiting San Juan:

*Jen* Magazine, “Modest Fashion for Young LDS (Latter-Day Saints aka Mormon) Women,” through which I discovered my new favorite magazine, ELIZA. From their website:

Eliza Magazine is created for women who want to be stylish, sexy, and engaged in the world while retaining high standards in dress, entertainment, and lifestyle. Eliza strives to bring you the best of fashion without any of the trash. We will not uncover the sexual secrets to make him want you, promote people who are glitz with no substance, or glorify lifestyles that we know do not bring happiness. We are dedicated to finding up-and-coming fashion lines, showcasing pieces that are worth the big price tags, and discover deals that are just as hip at your local low-end department stores−along with presenting articles on uplifting entertainment, current issues, creative ideas, and life in general.

“Modesty - A Guy’s View”

A nice video geared at 6th through 12th grade girls, but interesting nonetheless.

And of course, my friend Rebecca Christian posts modest fashion inspirations and news at modestia.

This post serves as a “look at this” until my World Youth Day post. I hope you’re all well!

I am back from World Youth Day, and finally adjusted sleep- and food-wise to Texas.

I am getting ready to live on-campus at my school for the first time.

I am so proud of my boyfriend for getting a fantastic job with Southwest Research Institute as an engineer!

Back soon to tell more.

Now, I’m packing for World Youth Day. I’ll be leaving San Antonio Intntl Airpt, meeting the rest of my group in L.A., flying to Seoul (South Korea), and flying to Sydney. My group will spend a week in Sydney preparing for the actual World Youth Day week.

I am not traveling with my archdiocese. Instead, I am going with the Christian Life Movement, a Society of Apostolic Life begun in Peru by a holy man named Luis Fernando Figari. The CLM is “committed to the evangelization of the world with four main emphasis: youth, culture, families and the most needy.” I know the CLM through my youth minister, who is a consecrated lay woman of the Marian Community of Reconciliation, the laywomen’s branch. I love the CLM and their spirituality: “through Christ to Mary, through Mary more fully to the Lord Jesus,” and their focus on overcoming the separation between our faith and our everyday lives.

I am the only young person representing San Antonio, Texas, with the CLM. My youth minister (who is young herself) will also be coming with me, as well as a girl from Laredo, Texas. We will be meeting the rest of the CLM’s United States group in L.A. who are from Colorado.

Check out the cool jacket everyone gets:

Preparing spiritually for World Youth Day is always highly encouraged. To be honest, I didn’t do very much of that on my own initiative. Rather, I found God leading me on a path of preparation. I’ve had many changes in my life in the past seven months, learned about my strengths and weaknesses, and come to terms with the fact that I must abandon my will to the Lord’s, wholeheartedly trusting in Him.

Reasons for Going to WYD

My boyfriend and I had another interesting conversation about spirituality last night, with a focus on World Youth Day. Here are my reasons for going to World Youth Day.

1. Going to “Meet the Pope”

Josh gave me wonderful insight into this reason. Originally, when I wanted to go to WYD, I was swept into the whole idea of seeing the Pope because he’s the ultimate celebrity of the Church. He’s the one everyone wants to see, to take pictures of, etc. But especially after talking with Josh, I realized how much of an honor it is to be in the presence of the successor of Peter. No one is worthy of such an honor. Yet, the Pope comes to us, to be the presence of Christ to us.

The Pope is also the Holy Father. I want to go be with him because he is my spiritual grandfather of sorts. That’s one of the reasons why people cried when Servant of God John Paul II died — the familial connection between Pope and Church.

2. Being with Thousands of Catholics from Around the World

One of the unique characteristics of the Catholic Church is the sheer diversity of its members. There are literally Catholics in every part of the globe. I can just imagine how amazing it will be, how encouraging it will be, to witness the presence of the entire Church in one place at one time - all colors, languages, nations, cultures. I expect it to help me actually SEE that I have a role in the universal Church, and that I am struggling to live a holy life with brothers and sisters all over the world. Right now, that’s just an image in my head. To experience that…

3. Growing

I have come to realize, with the help of God, that I am at a huge turning point in my life. I’m truly entering adulthood. With that, come so many changes…and I’ve never been good with change. I’m not saying that people need to travel across the world to grow into adulthood. At the same time, now that I’m actually going to do that, I know that it’s going to be a time of real maturing, of growing in self-confidence and independence, and faith.

4. Encountering God

I am certainly not a weakling in faith, and I say that in all sincerity with humility. At the same time, I’ve been wanting to really encounter God in a big way. When you’re at a point in your life that includes so much change, you need the Lord. I want to come to Him anew, give Him myself, and pray, “THY WILL BE DONE!”

And a definite perk to this whole experience is that I’m going to Australia. Although, I know I would have done this even if it were in my own hometown.

Please pray for WYD pilgrims — that the trip is truly a pilgrimage for each one of us! Thanks be to God for everything.

If you’ve never read Fr. Philip Neri’s blog, you need to. He makes me proud to say that I discerned with Dominicans. (grin) The above excerpt came from this post on the readings for the feast of the 1st Martyrs of the Holy Roman Church.

Haven’t you really ever found yourself taking the credit? How many times do we attribute our successes to ourselves? Sometimes, we don’t even do as well as the occasional Grammy award-winner’s “thanks be to God!”

And how often do we feel self-conscious, inadequate, and defeated?

Our spiritual father and Man of the Year is here (Rom 8.31-39) snapping us out of our worldly attitudes! I can just see Father Paul in heaven, yelling at us from the sidelines of our spiritual soccer game- “…in all things we conquer overwhelmingly through him who loved us!”

He wants us to realize:

There is no need to feel self-conscious
There is no need to feel inadequate
There is no need to feel defeated

because we are Christ’s, who has conquered. Everything we do, we do with the King of Everything Good, who never leaves us. And every victory is Christ’s. Every time we decide to avert our eyes, every time we speak charitably, every time we sacrifice time to be with our loved ones, ever time we pray,

these victories are Christ’s.

This entry is possibly rated PG-13.

Remember the secular world’s shock and the Catholic world’s awe when supermodel Adriana Lima told a GQ interviewer that she was a strong Catholic and would remain a virgin until after marriage?

So many Catholic teen and young men wished they could win a girl like her, and Catholic girls my age took her interview as a battle cry — a message that they were not crazy after all and not the only virgins in the world, as supermodel Gisele Bundchen had previously attested to. Adriana became a sort of hero among Catholic girls for her strong witness to the faith.

But wait…

What’s this?

In a more recent edition of GQ, under a feature titled, “Love, Sex & Madness,” Adriana poses nude. The mag’s cover shows a strategically-placed leaf over some more personal parts, but inside the mag, you’ll see a lot more than you need to. GQ’s website even has a video of the shoot, where nipple sightings are not uncommon.

What’s up with that?

I’m sorry, Adriana. I respect your standing up for the Church’s views in so many ways, your beauty, and your obvious comfort with your body. But really — why? Why take this kind of a job? Is it the money? I’m really trying to figure it out.

I’d love the glamor and attention that comes with these pictures, but what’s left to give to your husband that GQ’s 4 million readers haven’t seen? Why pose in a way that might lead some husband to compare his wife’s nude beauty with yours? Whatever happened to the mystery of a woman?

So, I must say it: Adriana Lima is not among my heroes.

It’s daunting to read about scrupulosity as perhaps a manifestation of OCD. I remember joking around with friends in high school about OCD, as if it were something “out there” that only crazy people in movies and soap operas had. The truth, I’m beginning to discover, is not at all funny. Perhaps I suffer from OCD, or perhaps I don’t (isn’t it strange to even read that?), but if it’s anything like the scrupulosity I struggle with, OCD must be terrible to live with.

That being said, I know that I don’t have this affliction nearly as bad as some. But I can’t play it off or push the possibility away any longer: I do suffer from scrupulosity. What does that mean?

The Problem
Scrupulosity is “the over-concern for doing the correct thing both in God’s eyes, and that of the law,” according to Dr. Steven Phillipson. It is a condition of constant worry: “Have I sinned? Am I going to sin? Am I in the state of mortal sin?” This worry actually makes it difficult to receive Holy Communion on Sundays, let alone other days, and can leave me still worrying about having made a perfect Confession after leaving the confessional. It leaves me feeling guilty, worried, and anxious.

The troubling thing about scrupulosity is that often, it is experienced by people who love God very much. Feeling as if I have offended the God whom I love so greatly and for whom I wish to do everything I can, wears me down to tears and frustration. I feel as though I can never “make it up to God,” or that I might at any time offend Him.

I used to go to Confession every two weeks, sometimes more often. It was an almost surefire way to make sure that I was not in a state of mortal sin. But, I remember at times feeling that if I didn’t make it to Confession every two weeks, I should not partake in Holy Communion. Or sometimes, when I came out of the confessional, I worried that perhaps I hadn’t covered everything, that I hadn’t confessed all my sins — what if I had forgotten some of them?

What’s Going On?
Now that I have realized my scruples, I’ve done something that, to me, seems bold: Since I’d been, in a way, misusing the Sacrament of Reconciliation, I haven’t gone to a confessional in about two months. Already, I feel as if that alone makes me guilty of terrible sin.  Of course! –My intellect tells me that that’s not a sin!

My intellect knows the difference between venial and mortal sin. My intellect knows quite well that it takes an act against the judgment of conscience in order to sin. But the other parts of me don’t agree with my intellect. Although I know that I cannot inadvertently sin, I feel that I can. “Have I accidentally sinned today?” I wonder. “Have I unknowingly committed mortal sin?”

The Solution
The solution may seem quite obvious–even to me! But for some reason, I cannot accept how ridiculous those questions are. It is difficult for me to feel at peace.
Some of the greatest saints of the Church struggled with scrupulosity: Thomas Aquinas, Alphonsus Liguori, and Ignatius Loyola. Liguori, in particular, is known as patron saint of confessors and moral theologians. He was also the founder of the Redemptorist order. Now, their Liguori Publications offers the Scrupulous Anonymous newsletter, which I’ve discussed previously. The archives of this newsletter have given me a lot of help, words of advice, and encouragement. Something I read that contributed to my making the decision not to keep going to Confession obsessively follows:

I am scrupulous and was depressed for a number of years. I’ve worn out confessors. One told me that unless I can swear I’m in a state of mortal sin that I should go to communion. I have never been able to swear that, so I go to communion. I now enjoy life and can live with my cross. 

The reason I would go to Confession so often, I kept telling myself, was to regularly cleanse my soul, and receive sacramental grace. Those are wonderful reasons. However, I ended up becoming dependent on Confession and misused it. I went to assure myself that I was “clean.” And, as previously mentioned, I felt terrible if I hadn’t gone to Confession in at least two weeks’ time.

Because of this, every time I acknowledge that I cannot “swear I’m in a state of mortal sin,” and I receive the Body and Blood of Our Lord, I feel relieved and victorious. My doubts and worries have not kept me from the One I love and live for.

Check them out on MySpace, as well as their official site linked above.

One more thing: A new film called, “Fireproof,” about the grace of marriage.  A beautiful message in the midst of a culture where marriage falls apart so easily. Visit the website for cities where you’ll find it premiering in September, as well as some marriage resources and extra stuff. Trailer follows:

Simon, an adolescent with a complex family history, attempts to create his identity while overcoming cultural stereotypes. His invented personal story, which he presents to his class, explodes in Internet forums. He must contend both emotionally and intellectually with the issues raised. Using a poetic cinematography, the director presents traditional and contemporary symbols and objects to invite us to re-evaluate existing clichés about the Other or that which is foreign in our own culture and religion.

Check out the trailer:

At the Catholic New Media Conference this past weekend, a new SQPN online flash-based game debuted, along with the first episode of That Catholic Show, Season 2 (HINT: it’s about the new evangelization) and news that Jennifer Willits is pregnant! Anyway, you can play the new PodCatchers game at http://www.sqpn.com — check out this crazy ditty that Mac Barron of Catholic In A Small Town put together. He calls it a short film about blogging:

An excellent example of how the Internet medium can change the world: Architecture for Humanity. The org hosts a network of architects who are willing to design for humanitarian purposes, as well as those architects’ designs. Hat tip to Frontline/World for featuring the story.

F/W last night also presented an excellent piece on how Christians in China are attempting to transform their country. Check out some fascinating video here.

Have you ever wished that your local Blockbuster had a selection of more family-friendly, faith-friendly videos? Wish no longer. This weekend, I learned about Pius Media, which has the clever tagline, “Entertainment your Mother approves!” Haha. The service reminds me of NetFlicks or some similar site. This is how I understand it: You create an online “wish list” of videos you want to see. You are sent a movie(s) on your list, the number of which depends on how much you choose to pay each month. You can keep the videos as long as you want, and and once you send them back, you get more. They’ve got a wide range of some excellent films, documentaries, and television series on DVD. How cool is that?

(Note: The spot above was made by Grassroots Films.) If you’re young and have wanted a Catholic Facebook for a long time, go check out Xt3.com - the Official World Youth Day Social Network. The original intent was to connect WYD pilgrims, but it’s turning into a place for young Catholics around the world to connect. The layout and design is just as superb as the official WYD website. I’ve joined, and I think you should, too.

Speaking of Grassroots Films, can you host a screening of this film? The Human Experience is nearing its world premier, but it needs you to help it be successful! If you’re interested in viewing the rough cut of the film or hosting a screening in your area, please check out this link.