I remember Joe McClane sharing with the rest of us at the Catholic New Media Conference that when you podcast, you really “put yourself out there.” The bloggers’ panel spoke in similar terms. The following entry will be on those terms. I hope that someone, somewhere, will gain something from my struggle.

It’s daunting to read about scrupulosity as perhaps a manifestation of OCD. I remember joking around with friends in high school about OCD, as if it were something “out there” that only crazy people in movies and soap operas had. The truth, I’m beginning to discover, is not at all funny. Perhaps I suffer from OCD, or perhaps I don’t (isn’t it strange to even read that?), but if it’s anything like the scrupulosity I struggle with, OCD must be terrible to live with.

That being said, I know that I don’t have this affliction nearly as bad as some. But I can’t play it off or push the possibility away any longer: I do suffer from scrupulosity. What does that mean?

The Problem
Scrupulosity is “the over-concern for doing the correct thing both in God’s eyes, and that of the law,” according to Dr. Steven Phillipson. It is a condition of constant worry: “Have I sinned? Am I going to sin? Am I in the state of mortal sin?” This worry actually makes it difficult to receive Holy Communion on Sundays, let alone other days, and can leave me still worrying about having made a perfect Confession after leaving the confessional. It leaves me feeling guilty, worried, and anxious.

The troubling thing about scrupulosity is that often, it is experienced by people who love God very much. Feeling as if I have offended the God whom I love so greatly and for whom I wish to do everything I can, wears me down to tears and frustration. I feel as though I can never “make it up to God,” or that I might at any time offend Him.

I used to go to Confession every two weeks, sometimes more often. It was an almost surefire way to make sure that I was not in a state of mortal sin. But, I remember at times feeling that if I didn’t make it to Confession every two weeks, I should not partake in Holy Communion. Or sometimes, when I came out of the confessional, I worried that perhaps I hadn’t covered everything, that I hadn’t confessed all my sins — what if I had forgotten some of them?

What’s Going On?
Now that I have realized my scruples, I’ve done something that, to me, seems bold: Since I’d been, in a way, misusing the Sacrament of Reconciliation, I haven’t gone to a confessional in about two months. Already, I feel as if that alone makes me guilty of terrible sin.  Of course! –My intellect tells me that that’s not a sin!

My intellect knows the difference between venial and mortal sin. My intellect knows quite well that it takes an act against the judgment of conscience in order to sin. But the other parts of me don’t agree with my intellect. Although I know that I cannot inadvertently sin, I feel that I can. “Have I accidentally sinned today?” I wonder. “Have I unknowingly committed mortal sin?”

The Solution
The solution may seem quite obvious–even to me! But for some reason, I cannot accept how ridiculous those questions are. It is difficult for me to feel at peace.
Some of the greatest saints of the Church struggled with scrupulosity: Thomas Aquinas, Alphonsus Liguori, and Ignatius Loyola. Liguori, in particular, is known as patron saint of confessors and moral theologians. He was also the founder of the Redemptorist order. Now, their Liguori Publications offers the Scrupulous Anonymous newsletter, which I’ve discussed previously. The archives of this newsletter have given me a lot of help, words of advice, and encouragement. Something I read that contributed to my making the decision not to keep going to Confession obsessively follows:

I am scrupulous and was depressed for a number of years. I’ve worn out confessors. One told me that unless I can swear I’m in a state of mortal sin that I should go to communion. I have never been able to swear that, so I go to communion. I now enjoy life and can live with my cross. 

The reason I would go to Confession so often, I kept telling myself, was to regularly cleanse my soul, and receive sacramental grace. Those are wonderful reasons. However, I ended up becoming dependent on Confession and misused it. I went to assure myself that I was “clean.” And, as previously mentioned, I felt terrible if I hadn’t gone to Confession in at least two weeks’ time.

Because of this, every time I acknowledge that I cannot “swear I’m in a state of mortal sin,” and I receive the Body and Blood of Our Lord, I feel relieved and victorious. My doubts and worries have not kept me from the One I love and live for.