Are we comforted by Paul when he writes to the Romans: “…in all things we conquer overwhelmingly through him who loved us,” or does the idea scares us just a little bit? Conquer overwhelmingly? All things we conquer overwhelmingly? Maybe I’m overwhelmed by the idea that our conquest will be overwhelming. Like you, I am pretty much happy just to win one here and there. As long as the win column stays a bit higher than the lose column, I thinking: hey, not bad for a sinner. Then I have to remember that those are all Christ’s wins not mine.

If you’ve never read Fr. Philip Neri’s blog, you need to. He makes me proud to say that I discerned with Dominicans. (grin) The above excerpt came from this post on the readings for the feast of the 1st Martyrs of the Holy Roman Church.

Haven’t you really ever found yourself taking the credit? How many times do we attribute our successes to ourselves? Sometimes, we don’t even do as well as the occasional Grammy award-winner’s “thanks be to God!”

And how often do we feel self-conscious, inadequate, and defeated?

Our spiritual father and Man of the Year is here (Rom 8.31-39) snapping us out of our worldly attitudes! I can just see Father Paul in heaven, yelling at us from the sidelines of our spiritual soccer game- “…in all things we conquer overwhelmingly through him who loved us!”

He wants us to realize:

There is no need to feel self-conscious
There is no need to feel inadequate
There is no need to feel defeated

because we are Christ’s, who has conquered. Everything we do, we do with the King of Everything Good, who never leaves us. And every victory is Christ’s. Every time we decide to avert our eyes, every time we speak charitably, every time we sacrifice time to be with our loved ones, ever time we pray,

these victories are Christ’s.

This entry is possibly rated PG-13.

Remember the secular world’s shock and the Catholic world’s awe when supermodel Adriana Lima told a GQ interviewer that she was a strong Catholic and would remain a virgin until after marriage?

So many Catholic teen and young men wished they could win a girl like her, and Catholic girls my age took her interview as a battle cry — a message that they were not crazy after all and not the only virgins in the world, as supermodel Gisele Bundchen had previously attested to. Adriana became a sort of hero among Catholic girls for her strong witness to the faith.

But wait…

What’s this?

In a more recent edition of GQ, under a feature titled, “Love, Sex & Madness,” Adriana poses nude. The mag’s cover shows a strategically-placed leaf over some more personal parts, but inside the mag, you’ll see a lot more than you need to. GQ’s website even has a video of the shoot, where nipple sightings are not uncommon.

What’s up with that?

I’m sorry, Adriana. I respect your standing up for the Church’s views in so many ways, your beauty, and your obvious comfort with your body. But really — why? Why take this kind of a job? Is it the money? I’m really trying to figure it out.

I’d love the glamor and attention that comes with these pictures, but what’s left to give to your husband that GQ’s 4 million readers haven’t seen? Why pose in a way that might lead some husband to compare his wife’s nude beauty with yours? Whatever happened to the mystery of a woman?

So, I must say it: Adriana Lima is not among my heroes.

I remember Joe McClane sharing with the rest of us at the Catholic New Media Conference that when you podcast, you really “put yourself out there.” The bloggers’ panel spoke in similar terms. The following entry will be on those terms. I hope that someone, somewhere, will gain something from my struggle.

It’s daunting to read about scrupulosity as perhaps a manifestation of OCD. I remember joking around with friends in high school about OCD, as if it were something “out there” that only crazy people in movies and soap operas had. The truth, I’m beginning to discover, is not at all funny. Perhaps I suffer from OCD, or perhaps I don’t (isn’t it strange to even read that?), but if it’s anything like the scrupulosity I struggle with, OCD must be terrible to live with.

That being said, I know that I don’t have this affliction nearly as bad as some. But I can’t play it off or push the possibility away any longer: I do suffer from scrupulosity. What does that mean?

The Problem
Scrupulosity is “the over-concern for doing the correct thing both in God’s eyes, and that of the law,” according to Dr. Steven Phillipson. It is a condition of constant worry: “Have I sinned? Am I going to sin? Am I in the state of mortal sin?” This worry actually makes it difficult to receive Holy Communion on Sundays, let alone other days, and can leave me still worrying about having made a perfect Confession after leaving the confessional. It leaves me feeling guilty, worried, and anxious.

The troubling thing about scrupulosity is that often, it is experienced by people who love God very much. Feeling as if I have offended the God whom I love so greatly and for whom I wish to do everything I can, wears me down to tears and frustration. I feel as though I can never “make it up to God,” or that I might at any time offend Him.

I used to go to Confession every two weeks, sometimes more often. It was an almost surefire way to make sure that I was not in a state of mortal sin. But, I remember at times feeling that if I didn’t make it to Confession every two weeks, I should not partake in Holy Communion. Or sometimes, when I came out of the confessional, I worried that perhaps I hadn’t covered everything, that I hadn’t confessed all my sins — what if I had forgotten some of them?

What’s Going On?
Now that I have realized my scruples, I’ve done something that, to me, seems bold: Since I’d been, in a way, misusing the Sacrament of Reconciliation, I haven’t gone to a confessional in about two months. Already, I feel as if that alone makes me guilty of terrible sin.  Of course! –My intellect tells me that that’s not a sin!

My intellect knows the difference between venial and mortal sin. My intellect knows quite well that it takes an act against the judgment of conscience in order to sin. But the other parts of me don’t agree with my intellect. Although I know that I cannot inadvertently sin, I feel that I can. “Have I accidentally sinned today?” I wonder. “Have I unknowingly committed mortal sin?”

The Solution
The solution may seem quite obvious–even to me! But for some reason, I cannot accept how ridiculous those questions are. It is difficult for me to feel at peace.
Some of the greatest saints of the Church struggled with scrupulosity: Thomas Aquinas, Alphonsus Liguori, and Ignatius Loyola. Liguori, in particular, is known as patron saint of confessors and moral theologians. He was also the founder of the Redemptorist order. Now, their Liguori Publications offers the Scrupulous Anonymous newsletter, which I’ve discussed previously. The archives of this newsletter have given me a lot of help, words of advice, and encouragement. Something I read that contributed to my making the decision not to keep going to Confession obsessively follows:

I am scrupulous and was depressed for a number of years. I’ve worn out confessors. One told me that unless I can swear I’m in a state of mortal sin that I should go to communion. I have never been able to swear that, so I go to communion. I now enjoy life and can live with my cross. 

The reason I would go to Confession so often, I kept telling myself, was to regularly cleanse my soul, and receive sacramental grace. Those are wonderful reasons. However, I ended up becoming dependent on Confession and misused it. I went to assure myself that I was “clean.” And, as previously mentioned, I felt terrible if I hadn’t gone to Confession in at least two weeks’ time.

Because of this, every time I acknowledge that I cannot “swear I’m in a state of mortal sin,” and I receive the Body and Blood of Our Lord, I feel relieved and victorious. My doubts and worries have not kept me from the One I love and live for.

I have two entries in the oven, but I just had to write about this new band I discovered, thanks to Catholic Rockers and the Proud 2B Catholic Festival: Pointe Blank. If you’re looking for a nice Catholic alternative to some of those popular artists among the college scenesters, check out this band. They’ve got great production, synth, a solid female vocalist, and a song about St. Augustine! What’s not to like?

Check them out on MySpace, as well as their official site linked above.

One more thing: A new film called, “Fireproof,” about the grace of marriage.  A beautiful message in the midst of a culture where marriage falls apart so easily. Visit the website for cities where you’ll find it premiering in September, as well as some marriage resources and extra stuff. Trailer follows:

Congratulations to Atom Egoyan, whose film, Adoration, won the Ecumenical Prize at the Cannes Film Festival. This is the blurb given about the plot:

Simon, an adolescent with a complex family history, attempts to create his identity while overcoming cultural stereotypes. His invented personal story, which he presents to his class, explodes in Internet forums. He must contend both emotionally and intellectually with the issues raised. Using a poetic cinematography, the director presents traditional and contemporary symbols and objects to invite us to re-evaluate existing clichés about the Other or that which is foreign in our own culture and religion.

Check out the trailer:

At the Catholic New Media Conference this past weekend, a new SQPN online flash-based game debuted, along with the first episode of That Catholic Show, Season 2 (HINT: it’s about the new evangelization) and news that Jennifer Willits is pregnant! Anyway, you can play the new PodCatchers game at http://www.sqpn.com — check out this crazy ditty that Mac Barron of Catholic In A Small Town put together. He calls it a short film about blogging:

An excellent example of how the Internet medium can change the world: Architecture for Humanity. The org hosts a network of architects who are willing to design for humanitarian purposes, as well as those architects’ designs. Hat tip to Frontline/World for featuring the story.

F/W last night also presented an excellent piece on how Christians in China are attempting to transform their country. Check out some fascinating video here.

Have you ever wished that your local Blockbuster had a selection of more family-friendly, faith-friendly videos? Wish no longer. This weekend, I learned about Pius Media, which has the clever tagline, “Entertainment your Mother approves!” Haha. The service reminds me of NetFlicks or some similar site. This is how I understand it: You create an online “wish list” of videos you want to see. You are sent a movie(s) on your list, the number of which depends on how much you choose to pay each month. You can keep the videos as long as you want, and and once you send them back, you get more. They’ve got a wide range of some excellent films, documentaries, and television series on DVD. How cool is that?

(Note: The spot above was made by Grassroots Films.) If you’re young and have wanted a Catholic Facebook for a long time, go check out Xt3.com - the Official World Youth Day Social Network. The original intent was to connect WYD pilgrims, but it’s turning into a place for young Catholics around the world to connect. The layout and design is just as superb as the official WYD website. I’ve joined, and I think you should, too.

Speaking of Grassroots Films, can you host a screening of this film? The Human Experience is nearing its world premier, but it needs you to help it be successful! If you’re interested in viewing the rough cut of the film or hosting a screening in your area, please check out this link.

Mmmmhm.

I’ll write more about the Catholic New Media Conference later, but I must share this anecdote. On the night before the celebration, a large group of people were making an obnoxiously loud ruckus very late into the night. I called Josh at 1:30 AM to see if he could comfort me somehow, but that didn’t really work out. By 2:00 AM, I was very frustrated.

I prayed a Hail Mary and asked Our Blessed Mother to please quiet them so that I could sleep. Not 3 seconds after I finished praying, there was absolute silence. Unbelievable? No, just miraculous.

It’s times like these that I’m so grateful for her. Through my trials and recent battle with scrupulosity and sin, I feel her with me and wanting to help me even more, wanting to take me in her arms and bring me to Jesus.

This weekend, I will begin a long string of trips.

Tomorrow afternoon, I catch my first planeride to Dallas/Fort Worth and then take my first out-of-state trip (since I was a baby) to Atlanta for the Catholic New Media Celebration. It should be a great event — really a history-making day. For the first time, a large conference-sort of event will focus on Catholicism and its relationship to new (interactive) media. I’m curious to see who I’ll meet and what will be said.

Although I’m traveling by myself, I will know plenty of folks at the Celebration. My buddies Kyle and Dan of Popple are the musical talent for the day. (Maybe I’ll bring CD’s to get signed.) Rebecca, author of the Catholic in Film School blog, will be staying at the same hotel and attending the CNMC. Also in attendance will be Josh of the Catholic Tech Tips for Teens blog and co-host of Perseverance Podcast, and Javier and Aneesa Plumey of the Hands and Feet Show (the #1 podcast for Catholic teens and young adults).

I’ll have to bring my camera!

I’m coming back on Monday, and that night I’ll be at the AT&T Center here for WWE Raw. Why, you ask? The show has a real importance for my boyfriend, and I want to get past the stereotypes that I once had and give it a chance. It’s not as violent as some more “acceptable” sports like boxing. It’ll definitely be a new experience for me.

One week later, my family and I will be spending a week’s vacation in beautiful Galveston, Texas. I love having time away with just my family, because we rarely get to do that. Mom and Dad also get much-needed time to relax.

A few days after I come back from Galveston, I head over to the airport again, this time for Los Angeles to Seoul, South Korea to Sydney, Australia for World Youth Day 2008. I’ll blog more about that later, but it will be my first time out of the country!

So many firsts…

Now, I’m trying to spend time with my boyfriend while I’m in town. Today, I have to decide on what we’re going to do tonight for dinner! I’m excited.

(THE FOLLOWING IS AN R-rated ENTRY!)

I have always loved the magazine medium.

The glossy pages, beautiful photographs, interesting articles, and fun features can sometimes be the one thing I need in my posession to be entertained for hours on end. Sometimes, I dream of a beautiful, sleek, chic, young, women’s magazine that wouldn’t lie to its readers and have their bodies, minds, and souls in its best interest. It’s times like these.

On the rare occasion that my little sister purchases a Seventeen magazine, I cringe. It’s not that I have anything against teenagers wanting to see the latest trend or fashion. Rather, it’s mostly the sex & relationships and health sections that I worry about her reading. Granted, I read them as a teen from time to time out of curiosity. I just pray that she doesn’t take their advice.

Just recently, I’ve been on a survey of women’s magazines, with these two sections as my focus. What did I find? Buckle your seat belts.

1. Seventeen: The health+sex+fitness section gives advice to teens about masturbation, condom use, sex location, ejaculation, oral sex (bust out those flavored condoms, kids!), and how to avoid pregnancy. At least they frequently warn about STD’s…?

I did find one article, though, that was quite consoling: Sex Myths Exposed. In this case, “Sex Myths” are myths about “needing” to have sex. It gives positive advice to girls who are considering losing their virginity and encourages them to think beyond societal messages. Seventeen should also get some props for encouraging girls to take care of their physical health and maintain a positive self-image.

2. Glamour: FULL of sex tips. On their front page, “101 Ways to Have the Best Sex of Your Life.” I couldn’t even stand to survey these “tips” without getting completely sick of the attitude toward sex as a commodity, a hobby, etc.

3. Redbook: This mag is a combination of the hot-and-heavy and the tamer “sexy _____” talk (massage, night, date, etc.) Their focus happens to be the “review” - reviewing techniques and toys. The Love Life Tip of the Day calendar? Not too graphic, which is a breath of fresh air. But May 20 is just so ironic:

Regularly communicate about your choice of contraception and safer sex practices. Nothing is more important to your relationship than your sexual health.

HA! Overall, Redbook isn’t quite as bad as Glamour.

4. Cosmopolitan: should only be viewed by married couples. It is probably the most explicit mainstream women’s magazine out there. The culprit? Its maddening number of sex positions and tips. And in its health section? It includes a bit about abortion options and dismisses any link between breast cancer and the murderous procedure.

5. Marie Claire: Finally…the famously sex-saturated MC. They like to have lots of “articles” like, “How Shacking Up Will Affect Your Sex Life,” which are truly just a sad excuse for some writer to dream up a too-good-to-be-true story for readers craving “sexy” entertainment.

Should women even be attentive to these publications? The expose article “Faking It: Sex, Lies, and Women’s Magazine’s,” describes how writers will contrive and twist tips, testimonies, and other articles in order to boost subscriptions or simply put food on the table.

After this little research project, I became sick of society’s obsession with orgasms. Sexual love was not the focus of these magazines. Instead, sex was entertainment, fun, technique, skill, cheap, easy, and dangerously close to a god. Flipping through the archives of any of these magazines makes me want a Bible…badly. I thank God that I have known the freedom of real love - love that lasts much longer than any orgasm could.

Don’t let society’s obsession with cheap sex affect your desire for the holy and sacred act of husband and wife. Sex is meant to lead us to the Lord, not to replace Him.

I think any young person could be inspired by the deep, erotic love expressed in the Song of Songs, so illustrative of the Theology of the Body. Here is Sinead O’ Connor’s ode to the book in her song, “Dark Am I Yet Lovely,” from the album Theology:

Whenever I talk to my high school Catechism girls about love and the Scriptures, I always use the analogy of the Scriptures as a love note and point to the Song of Songs. Whenever I need a reminder of God’s love for me, I look at a crucifix in the context of mercy and the Song of Songs.

Listen to Karen Young’s production of Canticum Canticorum to hear her interpretation of the love story.

There are several other media that have put the Song’s words to use. Its words, so strong and sensual, inspire my own poetry. It also inspires me, an easily scrupulous person, to be opened to the beauty of the sensual and the sexual. It is so human and so divine that it can only be about the union of God and man.

What’s up with the Independent Sacramental Movement?
And from an artist who lashed out at the Catholic Church in her song, “Forgiven,” comes a top 20 song with a positive message for our superficial times: